Mindset and Mothering

Today’s musings were inspired by the lovely Kate Alexandra- a yoga and mindfulness practitioner and creator of the Radical Self Care Project. Kate’s work revolves around building a reflective, authentic self care process which is as individual as we are. In a pocket of sunny late afternoon time whilst the kids played on the trampoline with water and dishwashing liquid (and only the bare minimum of tears!) I listened to Episode 17 of her podcast entitled “The Big Exhale: Finish the year connected and clear”.

The wisdom that resonated most boldly in me, from this episode, was how mindsets can effect our experience of life: the narrative we feed ourselves that will ultimately inform our perspectives, interpretations and the way we meet ourselves in life.

There are two broad types of mindset- the growth mindset, and the fixed mindset. The growth mindset is a container in which we can exercise flexibility in our perspectives, where we can soul stretch and be curious about just how we can hold this one precious life of ours. The fixed mindset is a more rigid container where our narrative becomes our unchallenged truth, and in that, were our world view can atrophy. Of course, we will embody both in different areas of our life or even the same areas at different times, and they can both be beneficial depending on the situation. For the purpose of this blog entry, however, I am focusing on how fixed mindset has the potential to negatively effect my mothering.

When invited to reflect on where a fixed mindset might be effecting the enjoyment and effectiveness of my life, a victim mentality in relation to motherhood came up for me. It’s fresh tonight, that victim wound is raw and weeping and the red around the edges flushing, a quiet sign that the victim-wound is on the way to turning toxic.

How does this mindset look to me in the moment?

It’s resentment that mothering leaves me isolated by what feels like necessity- but is actually a lack of energy to take myself out into the world (with or without my children) once the basics are done. It’s the scratches on my face from my toddler’s tantrum, and that there is no one to hand her over to when I have lost my ability to fully be present in a loving, supportive way. It’s jealousy that my partner gets out of the house everyday, gets to talk to people and complete tasks-- and get paid for it. It’s tallying up the hours and hours of unpaid labour I provide to my family, and how much this would be worth if it was anyone but a mother doing this work. It’s the heartbreak of seeing another mother breaking down and crying out for help on social media, but being unable to do anything but type “sending love” because we all have nothing left to give.

And then it’s looking beyond how this is effecting me, those deeply entrenched feelings of heaviness and resentment, and suddenly looking into my childrens’ eyes: the yearning for connection, the slight jump when I talk too harshly, they see it all. And worse, this is creating a picture of what mothering looks like and what they one day may embody in their own parenting.

I bravely say that there is an element of victimhood in the way I see my mothering work. And some of it is the result of becoming unconscious, letting negative thinking send down it’s roots into the fallow soil of my exhaustion and depletion. There is certainly a danger in letting thoughts, however they come, roam uncontained across the span of my narrative. Often, it seems, it is the negative thoughts and interpretations that find the most fertile ground to take root, somehow.

Nothing is simple, however, everything in life is rich in complexity and layers, and mothering is particularly so. It’s that formidable and undefinable mix of the spirituality of this vocation, that exists within a container that is at once entirely physical and practical, but also philosophical, relational, and socio-emotional.

And the truth is, if I was to see the act of motherhood through rose coloured glasses, I would be ignoring the societal structures and unexamined cultural norms that do create real life problems for families- both systemically and as individuals. Society is structured to rely on one or both parents needing to work long hours to finance the basics of safety, security, shelter and sustenance. That impetus to pay the bills means that the raising of the children becomes a secondary goal; mostly left to the person with the less earning potential. Managing a house and finances and all the practical minuatae often falls on that person too. And of course, if you are a single parent, the juggle becomes all the more impossible.

Reflecting on all of this, I feel into the truth that the waters are muddied here- for me, at this time, it is difficult to say which part of my parenting dissatisfactions are personal, and which are political. There is certainly a line there somewhere, where I could become clearer on where my victim mindset is hurting my family and I; and where I am actually getting screwed over by the capatalist society we live in. It is my job to find this line, as much as the societal stucture that oppress women and mothers also deny our children healthy mothers-- and that benefits no one.

And when I start examining and exploring this dynamic within me between my fixed mindset and wider societal norms, what is it that this mindset protects? Why did it become entrenched? What could be an alternative?

Right now, I feel comfortable in the awareness of the question raised. I do not have the answers- that I need to live into- and for this moment, I will let the unknowingness do it’s job.

Where is your line? What is your personal? What is your political? I would love to read your thoughts.