The Emotional Work of Motherhood

This post is brought to you by school holiday induced, post-vomiting bug reflections...

Why do the children's arguments and dynamics feel like so much hard work for me? Most often, the conflicts they have- for example, this morning, whether cows get nits or not- I don't have a particular investment in. And, short of the effects on their connection with each other, I don't have an investment in the outcome of the conflict. It either doesn't matter to me, or the level of passionate intensity they feel for the issue is much higher than I have.

(Do cows get nits? Hit me up in the comments if you know, because it would be nice to solve one problem today).

So it's not- generally- the content that is a trigger for me. At least not today, for the internal dynamic I am feeling. And dynamic it is, because it is a mirror of the tension that is birthed in me in the conflict with each other. It's an empathetic but unprocessed manifestation of their 'stuff'-- and whilst they either move on swiftly from it, or act it out in different ways, the tension remains with me for a long time. 

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It's a feeling of being almost always stressed out, and intellectually, I know that this is not a healthy place for me to be. Neither does it help me act from a place that empowers the children with methods of communication, resilience, tolerance and conflict resolution that could really (REALLY) serve them well. 

I allow myself to get stuck here. And I consciously use the phrasing "allow myself", because I do need to address the underlying feeling of stuckness- I need to counter this with language of agency and self determination. Never the less, I allow myself to get stuck here. Out of frustration, Out of fatigue. Out of boredom. Out of a narrative that says I am overwhelmed//that I should do better as a guide and teacher//that I am outnumbered and that the patriachal nature of our society has isolated mothers without the connection and support they need//and on and on. 

Also, I have a belief that I should be able to turn any conflict into an opportunity for connection. In fact, all of them. I should turn all the conflicts into a golden web of experiences that bring us all closer. That they need rescuing, that I need to be the hero. 

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There is so much self talk going on here, and it's drowning out the children's voices, the actual conflicts and the stuff that is going on beneath the conflict, that they may need support with. 

I know on an intellectual level, that the dynamic they live from, and the act of being in conflict with each other at times, is a vital learning and development tool for them. It's part of their being human. It's not the conflict as such, or the content, or even the aggression that it manifests with sometimes. I can accept all that.

It's the fact that I can't fully connect with them, or the dynamic, in the moment- in most moments that conflicts arises it seems currently- because I am so absorbed in my own reaction: that is the problem. 

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But how do I unpack and address the narrative and internal landscape I experience of their dynamic? How do I shift my listening back to the present, to their pure, childish selves? And from where do I act?

The issue of self talk is actually more foundational than it appears: it's really about self care, and a concept of "self" at all. It's so easy to lose ourselves as mothers. It's definately a trap I have fallen into- to lose a sense of myself as my own person, as an authoritative figure in my children's lives, and as a person that is fully separate from my children emotionally. Perhaps that's the reason (along with my fervent introversion) that I seek physical space from my children on such a visceral level sometimes- I find it hard to remove myself emotionally so I need to actually have a space only physically inhabited by myself to regain some balance. 

This whole self talk/self care/identity concept is about having the boundaries to guard my psychic space- from others, and from myself. Holding boundaries (when I manage it) feels good. It feels liberating. And it feels fresh and vital enough that I can shift the way I respond to things.

For example, just now, journalling on the beach, I asked one of my children to wait until I finished that paragraph I just wrote before I got the next round of snacks out. That simple. But where I felt the impulse to snap at them and perhaps shame them for asking for food again (why do children get so much hungrier in the school holidays?? I couldn't get this child to eat a thing during lunch or dinner yesterday, does this child not see the irony- or natural consequences- therein??), I calmly told them I was finishing this line. And then I met their need, with equal grace, warmth and calm. 

A simple example, but the impact was significant for me. 

I also have to acknowledge I am biologically built to address my children's distress. I am not sure on the endocrinology of it, but it certainly feels hormonal- the instantaneous shift in brain and body chemistry when I hear their voices raise defensively or move in a way to intend to hurt each other.

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At that biological hit, I can respond or react. At the moment, I feel I react more often, unconsciously, and without closure to the issue and dynamic. 

It's closure. This is a key to this whole picture I am working through here. If I was to model to my children, the deep listening to myself on a soul level and act from that space, I could guide them to learning about how to bring inner and outer tension to closure. 

So much of this is about listening. In fact, I think, without the act of listening, their can't be any closure, just residual tension that, overtime, leads to a dynamic that becomes harder and harder to manage. 

But it isn't just listening to each other. Perhaps the most important thing in this, is for me to listen to myself. To see what the automatic self talk is, what unconscious and probably maladaptive beliefs are making themselves known, and how these beliefs translate into words and behaviour. How I pass them onto my children. And how the stress of all of these internal conflicts and tensions and self sabotage block me from being present to what is. That block me from mothering in a way that is wise, open, warm and gentle. 

I cannot get closure from the inner tension and dynamic if I don't listen to that inner tension and dynamic. And I certainly can't support the children to work through their own dynamic with each other unless I am truly aware of what I am bringing to the table, emotionally speaking. 

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To go back to my original questions:

--But how do I unpack and address the narrative and internal landscape I experience of their dynamic? How do I shift my listening back to the present, to their pure, childish selves? And from where do I act?--

I cannot answer this completely at this time, but I feel like I have become more aware of the first step: listening to myself. To the supportive voices, such as the voice that speaks here in this writing (for that's my process), and for the unsupportive- the unchallenged beliefs and negative self talk and all that. 

I am not sure of where to go from there, but it's a start. Just like dynamics cannot shift without dedicated and loving work, neither can my internal tension. 

And so, I begin.